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we made it through the first year of noise

alexander 5 hours old.

it has been over a year
since Alexander has had access to noise.
his first hearing aids were fitted in may 2008.

i had a love/hate relationship with his aids.
i was happy for noise in his life,
yet sad that my secret hope for a miracle had not happened.

he was still deaf despite my prayerful pleas.

when alexander was only 3 days old he was diagnosed with a hearing loss.
it wasn't until a month later that we knew it was bad,
really bad.
i will never forget that moment,
and the days that followed.
i felt like i had been punched in the stomach and was fighting for air.
i slipped into a fog,
a deep sadness holding my new, beautiful baby
knowing that he was perfect,
but deaf.
i was cheerless and heartbroken.
i would cry.
a lot.

i didn't want to open my mouth,
to talk or sing to him anymore,
in my mind
it was a waste of time and energy.

i know i should have been stronger,
there are surprises in every pregnancy and birth
but i wasn't prepared,
not for this.
my stomach ache never went away, not until weeks later.
a mix of hormones and sadness made
my arms weak when i held him.
i wanted to let go.
give up.
i would ask myself, "how am i going to do this?"
i was unable to move forward.
our baby deserved more than my gloom.
fortunately my husband would hold and talk to our baby,
when i couldn't.
reminding me communication was not only shared in words,
but through the expression on my face,
especially in my eyes.

but i needed him to do it.
to show me how to love again.

now here we are today.
if only i would have believed
that everything would be okay,
that we would be okay,
and alexander would be okay
it would have been that much easier
to take the first step forward.


Liz, Karl, Madison, Brooklyn, Aubrey and Zachary said...

So I just had to say, that this post made me cry. As I read it, I was filled with so many emotions. I know I haven't been dealing with anything as hard as this situation was for you but I have had some experiences lately where I had to go through a lot of personal torment and struggle before I finally realized that what I wanted was not what God had in store for me. This is a hard thing to accept sometimes, especially when you want so badly what you are praying for- you know that whatever is supposed to happen is really what is best for you but it is hard to see this from where we stand. Thank you once again, for your great example and reminder.

PolyglotMom said...

thank you for sharing that. it brings back a lot of memories. it's great to be at a point where we can look back and talk about it. You're a great mom and Alexander is doing amazingly!

tammy said...

Wow ... I could have written this. It's been just over a year for Aiden too and I've been thinking a lot about my past feelings and how far I've come. I never thought then that'd I'd have such a peace about me now; never thought the empty feeling would go away.

Pour Les Enfants said...

It can be very difficult to deal with an unexpected challenges in your life. I know you overcame it beautifully and now you have an amazing little boy. I did want to share that only 10% of deaf children are born to deaf parents. I also hope that you allow Alexander to learn about the deaf culture (it is a very tight group that will help and assist with things in the future). There are a lot of hearing parents that have been through what you have been through. I hope that you will be able to help another family out dealing with the same situation. I believe that maybe why God gave you this challenge so you can assist others with the same difficult circumstances.

PolyglotMom said...

Just wanted to let you know that Life with Lucas has a new URL: