we made it through the first year of noise

alexander 5 hours old.

it has been over a year

since Alexander has had access to noise.

his first hearing aids were fitted in may 2008.

i had a love/hate relationship with his aids.

i was happy for noise in his life,

yet sad that my secret hope for a miracle had not happened.

he was still deaf despite my prayerful pleas.

when alexander was only 3 days old he was diagnosed with a hearing loss.
it wasn't until a month later that we knew it was bad,

really bad.

i will never forget that moment,

and the days that followed.

i felt like i had been punched in the stomach and was fighting for air.

i slipped into a fog,

a deep sadness holding my new, beautiful baby

knowing that he was perfect,

but deaf.

i was cheerless and heartbroken.

i would cry.

a lot.

i didn't want to open my mouth,

to talk or sing to him anymore,

in my mind

it was a waste of time and energy.

i know i should have been stronger,

there are surprises in every pregnancy and birth

but i wasn't prepared,

not for this.

my stomach ache never went away, not until weeks later.

a mix of hormones and sadness made

my arms weak when i held him.

i wanted to let go.

give up.

i would ask myself, "how am i going to do this?"

i was unable to move forward.

our baby deserved more than my gloom.

fortunately my husband would hold and talk to our baby,
when i couldn't.

reminding me communication was not only shared in words,

but through the expression on my face,

especially in my eyes.

but i needed him to do it.

to show me how to love again.

now here we are today.
if only i would have believed that everything would be okay,
that we would be okay,
and alexander would be okay

it would have been that much easier

to take the first step forward.