I found this snapshot of Reese and me on a website, it was taken at a women’s conference sponsored by our church. Some pictures capture the mood of the moment. this one certainly does. I wonder if the photographer knew the bazillion thoughts that were racing though my mind as I sat in deep reflection holding my little girl.
How can I help her find her talents? Her gifts? Her happiness? How can I do that when I am unsure about my own?
It is not that I feel sorry for myself, especially when I have a husband who responds to my question of “Why me?” with “Why not you?” At times I feel more like a brick wall then a person, empty emotionally and physically acting only on auto-pilot to get through the week.
I put my mind and heart into Alexander getting him where he is now, scoring above his age level for both receptive and expressive speaking, and still there is an incredible responsibility and urgency hovering over my head to teach Reese…everything, beginning with listening and speaking. There is a long road ahead.
My problem stems from losing touch with the Holy Spirit. I have given up on praying with a purpose, because I lack the faith that it really works. It is my own character flaw that puts me in this state of mind. How could I feel so emotionally detached and ungrateful when I really should be thanking my Heavenly Father for all of my blessings? I feel let down. The plan was to have a healthy, hearing baby girl. It would be so much easier. For most people, that just happens. When ‘the plans’ change I don’t do well. Kicking my feet until the original ‘plan” is back in order. My parents can attest to that.
Whether I like what I was dealt or not I have to move on and live. I know I have many weaknesses, some are more obvious then others but my Heavenly Father does not. He is perfect. So by staying close to Him, how ever that may be, I will find the help that I need to feel alive again and make my weaknesses my strengths.